Music on the CD player, Turkey and Ham cooked and vegetables almost ready to be roasted…. Table laid and all the fairy lights are on. It’s Christmas day!
I love the run up to Christmas – all that anticipation and festive cheer, events and jollity abound with the clock ticking ever louder as you reach Midnight and Christmas Day is here. Then its silence – everyone cocooned in their homes and no noise of people going about their normal business – this is the one day when everything stops (obviously I know that isn’t true really) and there’s a heaviness, a weight of expectation comes crashing down on your shoulders. Every year I want this NOT to happen and every year it happens.
The happiest Christmas I remember as a child was when we lived at the pub when I was about 6 years old and we opened for a few hours at Christmas lunch time… I was so happy to see people, to not be locked away with just the 4 of us (mum, dad, sister and me) and Grandma. I think even as a child I found it suffocating, but with the ‘valve’ of the pub opening it’s doors releasing the tension on that Christmas of so long ago.
I tried all sorts of things to prevent these feelings creeping up on me… having Christmas lunch out (a favourable but costly alternative), spending Christmas with friends, cooking for the family, for friends for friends and family… and although I enjoy the whole hosting the big day and providing sustenance it still feels an anti-climax!
What is it that I want? I wish I knew…. perhaps escaping into nature would help, perhaps staying in the wilds of Scotland in a wooden cabin would be helpful, or pursuing some worthy cause feeding the homeless… it could be a number of these or none. It could be that I’ve just had a dread of Christmas day for so long that if it did meet my expectations I would still be unimpressed.
I know for sure that one thing I need to do is spend time thinking about the real reason for the season and attend church – to sing carols and light candles. To practice what I preach and get involved with the true meaning of Christmas. Perhaps I need to stop expecting so much from one day, perhaps Dave and I need to set up some traditions that are ours, ones that lift our spirits and instill a sense of wonder instead of dread.
We’ve had a lovely day really, some good friends came for Christmas lunch, lovely to have you Stuart and Jane, we watched the Queen and then Shitty Shitty Bang Bang – even Dave got tired of it and went for a lie down…. the least the television people could do would be have decent programmes on Christmas Day – gordon bennett the best program was about Torville and Dean, the rest was crap with a capital C.
Well now it’s over, it’s 1am on Boxing Day and life can resume. Well at least a little bit more normal. I am such a Grinch which I don’t mean to be just wanted to write down how I felt and to try to work out why… I may have a little more insight in to my weird Christmas phobia how I can change this is another question… one to think about before this time next year!